...so i touched it.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Randomize
