Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
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