I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
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