kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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