i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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