Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
