I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Randomize
