Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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