Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
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