also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
