I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Randomize
