I like my sex mixed with concussions.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
