I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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