We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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