dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
