PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
