life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
