That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
