apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
