oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
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