I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Randomize
