I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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