everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
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