I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
