Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
its liver damage thursday
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