I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
