Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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