i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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