I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
