she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Randomize
