you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
