Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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