Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
