For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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