I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Randomize
