turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
i believe in u and ur pee
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
