Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
