I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Randomize
