Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Randomize
