just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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