don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
