ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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