just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
