Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
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