I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
