Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
