The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Randomize
