Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I fill condoms, not promises.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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