Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
