you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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