I'm jealous of your bromance
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
