just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
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