She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
