The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize