Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
We're not piercing ourselves today.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
