Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
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