I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
