Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I hope mine doesn't look like that
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Randomize
