You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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