You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
