and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
