It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Randomize
