never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
