i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
