she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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