On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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