Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I FOUND THE LEGS
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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