Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
