I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
