I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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