hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
