Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
