So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
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