Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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