I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
