I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize
