You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Text me some of your sweat
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
