I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
