he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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